EDs and All That Jazz
There’s no pain quite like the sting of your passion, your art- the very thing that gives you life- breaking your heart (and your body). But that’s exactly what happens when we demand unrealistic body standards at the cost of our health. That’s exactly what happens when we place more importance on physical appearance than inner creativity. That’s exactly what happens when we view people as objects to be consumed as opposed to unique and beautiful human beings to be celebrated. That was exactly my experience growing up in the brutal and painful and wonderful dance world, but there’s freedom to be found and chains to be broken and victory to be won, friends. And we have the power to make real and authentic change, groundbreaking and lasting change. So let’s chat about it.
Dancing at a technically ballet-based studio, I was conditioned to be very aware of my physical body and how it looked compared to others from a very young age. I remember countless times of being weighed and measured, training in the least amount of clothing in order to see every. single. detail. and watching other girls cast in roles over me because they were smaller, not because they were better dancers.
And at the same time, I remember the moment I fell in love with dance. The moment it all clicked and everything made sense. I never felt more beautiful than I did when I danced. The way my spirit came alive on stage was a sign to me that I was created for a reason, and that reason was to make beauty through movement. Every thought, feeling and emotion, dream and experience and loss and joy, all came through in the most authentic way when I danced, way better than any words could ever communicate. This insane amount of love I had for this art was met with just as insane an amount of pain once the diet dance culture tainted and shattered that beauty I had found within myself.
The subliminal (and yet O SO LOUD) encouragement of eating disorders messed with my head mentally. How could someone else deem my own art to be “wrong” because of how I looked? How could I ever love this body I dance with if this body doesn’t look the part? Is my art not good enough because my body isn’t good enough? Can I even call myself a dancer if I don’t fit within the “thin” mold? This mental incongruity directly opposed the authenticity I sought through dance and was the very beginning of my ED battles.
Harsh words and criticism led to comparison, which led to self doubt and hatred, which led to mental stress and fatigue and anguish, which led to restriction and purging and other dangerous behaviors, which led to depression and anxiety, which led to injury, which led to autoimmune issues, which led to inpatient treatment, which led to hating the very thing I once loved- barely a teenager and having a full-blown identity crisis that rooted itself DEEP and followed me well into adulthood.
The ED robbed me of all my confidence. I could barely get through rehearsals without feeling faint. I was a shell of a human on the inside and out. My performance suffered. My art suffered. Doing what I thought (and was told) I needed to do to make it in dance was literally killing me and my dreams.
If you resonate with any of this, I swear to you nothing, and I mean absolutely NOTHING, is worth sacrificing your art. No body standard is worth shrinking your passion. No opinion of you is worth starving your body. No criticism is worth silencing your voice.
TAKE UP SPACE!
This one-liner helped save my life, and I still speak it over myself and my students daily. Take Up Space. Because you were created on purpose. Because you have a story only you can share. Because you are worthy of existing BIG and unapologetically. Because other people need your bravery and your witness. Because fighting the status quo is worth saving a life. Dimming the light that is your art and your passion robs this world of so much beauty. So Take Up Space, friend. Because embracing all that you are gives others permission to do the same. Just imagine what an army of people taking up space can do…